


Scars

by bunnypeaches



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Mild Blood, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-22 21:44:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23234194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnypeaches/pseuds/bunnypeaches
Summary: Jaehyun just wants to help Doyoung fight his battles but Doyoung is unrelenting, hell bent on not wanting Jaehyun to hurt himself to be with a damaged soul like him.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Kudos: 34





	Scars

Doyoung looked at himself. Guiding his orbs to the mirror, he looked at his own reflection. Folding the sleeves to his shirt, he looked at his arms which are full with cuts and bruises. Short, long, thick and thin cuts with striking red fluid coming out of them. He is only eighteen but he knew more pain than any other adult and spent almost half of those years cutting and hurting himself. He had developed the habit after he was abused by his stepfather which traumatised and haunt him,until this very day. He lost everything, happiness, his passion but mainly, Doyoung lost himself. Doyoung felt like it was a daily need for him to cut himself now, just like drinking water. The pain distracts him from the heavy and dark thoughts in his head. His body, mind and spirit was used to it up to the point that he could call himself a masochist. Yes, that was the word that perfectly defines him.

  
His scars were like bookmarks for him. Every time he looked at them, they bring back memories and he would reminisce them even though it was painful, as if someone was pouring salt on his cuts. He would look at those imprints the knife he used gave him and traced his fingers down them, as if he was reading Braille. This would seem ludicrous for people but not to Jaehyun, his bestfriend. Scratch that,he was his knight in shining armour and first love.

  
Jaehyun knew about his condition a few years ago but he couldn’t do anything to break down those walls of his. Not yet at least. He would try advising him but his words was pushed away even before they enter Doyoung’s ears, even before his brain could interpret Jaehyun’s words. Jaehyun did not give up and he would never give up. He felt like it was his duty to help Doyoung after what had happened to his sister who’ve experienced the same thing like Doyoung,but she had left the cruel world filled with judgmental people. Atleast she is in a better place right now, filled with peace and harmony. Also, it was because he is madly in love with Doyoung.

  
Doyoung would be wearing long sleeved shirts, jackets, hoodies and just about anything that could help cover up his scars. He did not want to share his story with people because he knows that he would just be given judgmental stares and hurtful comments, somehow even more painful than slicing his own pale skin. Weird huh? Jaehyun was an exception though, Doyoung felt like he knows him like the back of his hands and Doyoung likes it. No, he loves it. It made him feel safe and secure, something he had not feel for only god knows how long.

  
It was when Jaehyun visited his sister’s grave that her last words to him appeared on his mind. ‘Sometimes people don’t need advices. All they really need is for someone to hold them’ The words clicked and he dashed out in the rain, not caring whether he was drenched because Doyoung is more important. He finally found a way that he could try to break Doyoung’s walls, not the whole thing at once but he will slowly penetrate through them until the whole thing breaks into tiny pieces and disappear into thin air.  
Doyoung was about to do his ‘routine’ when Jaehyun came and pushed the cutter blade away from him. Baffled by his attitude, Doyoung tried to reach for the item, frantically trying to take it in his grasp.

  
‘No. Stop all this. I can’t take it anymore. Seeing you hurt yourself without being able to do anything. Please’ Jaehyun cried out, pouring his heart out, wearing his heart on his sleeves.

  
‘It’s who I am and nothing’s going to change it. It is me’ Doyoung replied in between heavy breaths and sobs.

  
‘You can change. I can change you and I will.’ Jaehyun replied, hesitantly reaching out for Doyoung and engulfing him into a hug. Doyoung flinched at his touch. These feelings feel so foreign to him. When was the last time someone hugged him sincerely? Delicately? He wrapped his arms around Doyoung’s slender body and placed both of Doyoung’s arms around his waist.

  
‘What are you doing?’ Doyoung asked,stuttering. ‘I’m holding you because I know you need it’ Jaehyun replied breathing in his scent. He could feel Doyoung tighten his grasp around his waist, pulling him closer. It was his first time doing that and by that simple gesture, Jaehyun knows that he was slowly letting his guard down. Usually he would only stiffen in his embrace like a lifeless doll, as if he was afraid. Afraid of hurting again. But after countless efforts, Jaehyun finally did it. He succeeded and he is elated. Happy that the trust in between them had strengthen.

  
‘I have something to say’ Jaehyun said and pulled away from the embrace, but still holding Doyoung close. ‘Look at me’he continued but he finds Doyoung hesitating, his eyes looking everywhere else but him. He cupped Doyoung’s face and his eyes landed on him.  
‘I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time, and I thought that today would be the day. I love you’ he said confidently but his heart was thumping vigorously. Doyoung’s breath hitched and his eyes widened, shaking his head. ‘If it’s sympathy, save it Jaehyun. I don’t need them.’ Doyoung pushed his hands off and moved a step back. Jaehyun’s face fell. He is this close in giving up. He is tired. A knight needs some rest too but his heart told him otherwise. ‘Love is a huge word for me Jaehyun, please don’t blurt it out like that. I’m afraid I can’t take it’

  
‘At first it was. I’m being honest here but after that I’ve realised that it was my duty to protect you. I want to. Scratch that, I need to. I need you’ he replied in a subtle voice. Doyoung looks up at him and saw a small smile on Jaehyun’s face but he knows that Jaehyun is feeling dejected because the dimples on both sides of his cheeks were nowhere to be seen and his eyes didn’t crinkle like they always do. ‘But you don’t need to. I’m used to this. It’s not your duty and we’re friends Jaehyun. It’s not right’ comes the reply, fingers fidgeting with the sleeves of his shirt.

  
Breathing in, Jaehyun took Doyoung’s hands in his. ‘Listen. Just listen okay? Don’t talk. I want to make this clear. I made friends with you because I like you for who you are. Caring, intelligent, your smile lights up any room you’re in and God damn, it definitely has a huge effect on my heart and most importantly you are a very kind hearted soul who deserves all the good in this cruel world. And when I knew about your condition, something inside me clicked and I wanted to be closer to you. I want to help you. Protect you from those who hurt you and judgmental freaks.’

  
‘And you are. You are protecting me and I’m thankful. I really am. But you can protect me even if we are friends. Isn’t it better to remain as friends?’he asked, clueless to what Jaehyun is feeling. Jaehyun’s heart hurt. It was as if someone had ripped his heart out, destroyed it and crammed it back into his chest. It somehow managed to work, but it doesn’t feel good. Heck, it doesn’t feel right. His stomach drops and fuck it hurts and he wants the world to swallow him whole.  
Jaehyun gently removes his hands from Doyoung with a small nod and turned around before slowly walking towards the door. ‘Jaehyun!Wait please’ Doyoung pleaded. And Jaehyun did. He just couldn’t walk away from him even if he was just rejected. That’s what he thought it was. It becomes a wonder to him sometimes as to why he was so weak for this man infront of him but it is simple. Like 12 3. Jaehyun loves Doyoung. He’s the first thing that comes to his mind in the morning and he ends his days with him in his thoughts. Always.

  
‘Please listen. Do you even know what my reason was?’before Doyoung could even continue, Jaehyun turns around and looked at him intently. Doyoung flinched at his stare and he knew that Jaehyun is really really angry. He’s livid.

  
‘What?You’re afraid?That’s what you are Kim Doyoung. Afraid of everything. Why can’t you just trust me? Have a leap of faith!’ Jaehyun lets out an exasperated sigh. ‘We’ve been friends for 5 long years. I know everything about you. I know that you are allergic to peanuts, you hate flowers in the house because it reminds you of funerals, you can’t sleep without a cup of tea before going to bed,you can’t sleep with the lights off. You hate cucumbers, you’re afraid of bugs, you like to sleep on the right side of the bed, you’re extremely petrified of thunder and lightning and your favourite colours are white and blue because they symbolise peace.’

  
Doyoung was surprised actually to know how much the other knew about him. ‘To answer your question, yes I’m afraid. But can you blame me? Are you going through what I am going through? Do you know how it felt when I saw people with a loving family? Happy? Like you. I am jealous of you. You have the perfect family. And one more thing Jung Jaehyun. You are everything to me. And if I lose you, I would just end up with nothing again and my everything is you! I don’t want to be in the same torturous state like before, I really really don’t want to go through that again. It’s easier this way. I don’t want to lose anything anymore. I don’t want to feel that pain. I’m sick of it. I’m exhausted’ Doyoung replied, tears threatening to fall.

  
Jaehyun’s gaze softened at the words thrown at him and his heart is beating painfully. He knew he was wrong for saying those words. He shouldn’t have but the words slipped out of his mouth. And he felt bad. ‘Losing you would hurt me more than losing anybody and anything, even more than losing myself. Losing you would kill me. I’d rather die than lose you’

  
‘Hey don’t say that please. I’m sorry Doyoung. I’m really really sorry. I shouldn’t have said those words. I didn’t mean to be so harsh.’Jaehyun apologized and he hesitated to touch Doyoung as he was at his most fragile state. One single touch could break him. Again. ‘And you won’t lose me Doyoung. I’m still here after 5 years and I will stay here for more years to come.’ Before he could even continue, Doyoung held out his hand to stop him. ‘I don’t want you to be stuck with someone like me, who cuts himself when he faces problems, when he feels sad. Every single fucking time negativity comes his way. I’m fighting against myself. It’s my battlefield. And I don’t want to hurt you Jaehyun. You mean the world to me.’

  
Jaehyun let out a deep breath and continued. ‘No no. I want to be stuck with you. It’s okay to hurt me, as long as you don’t hurt yourself anymore. Your battle is also my battle now. And we’ll go through this together. Alright?’ he questioned and Doyoung found himself hesitantly nodding. ‘No more cutting. Just no more. You’ve had enough.’he firmly stated. Doyoung’s eyes quivered but when he glanced to look at Jaehyun,he knows Jaehyun’s right. He should stop. The very least is to try his very best to stop. ‘Remember,if you cut yourself, I’ll cut myself too. Do you want me to show you? How I felt every time I see you cut yourself?’ he asked, taking the blade in his hands. He positioned the blade right above his arm and was about to ‘cut’ himself when Doyoung took it from his hands. ‘No no. Don’t hurt yourself. Alright alright, I’ll stop but it’ll take time. I’ll try my very best. Please understand that.’ Doyoung begged with a pout plastered on his face and Jaehyun finds himself wanting to kiss that pout away. He walked towards the bin and threw the blade in the bin.

  
‘Now, where were we?’ he asked,raising an eyebrow. Doyoung shrugged, feeling small under Jaehyun’s questioning gaze and subconsciously traced his fingers down his scars. A habit Jaehyun knows oh so well that the man infront of him is feeling anxious. He went closer and took his arms slowly in his grasp and examined them. It hurts him to the core to see these marks on Doyoung and he’s been through so much. Worse, he was all by himself. But not anymore. Doyoung has Jaehyun now.

  
‘Thank you.’ Doyoung whispered quietly. Jaehyun glances at Doyoung and took his time admiring his features. He was looking intently at Doyoung as if he was trying to memorise Doyoung’s face. Doyoung could feel Jaehyun’s gaze and and caught his eyes. They were looking at each other’s eyes and felt as if the world around them had stopped. Jaehyun lifts his hand and caressed Doyoung’s cheeks lovingly and placed kisses on Doyoung’s forehead, cheeks, nose and it took him all the strength he has and he stopped there. He wanted to go on but he didn’t want to rush things. He decided to take it slow. Rushing Doyoung is the last thing he wanted to do.

  
Doyoung would be lying if he said he wasn’t kind of disappointed that Jaehyun didn’t go on but deep down he knows the reasons to those actions. It was because of him. As the realization hits, Doyoung felt this huge fiery urge that it is his turn to do something, and that he did. He cupped Jaehyun’s face and gave him a peck on his lips. He could see the dimpled boy widen his eyes and before he himself could process anything, he finds himself bursting out laughing. _Damn_ Jaehyun thought as Doyoung’s laughter rang in his ears. Only god knows how much he had longed to see him laughing and smiling like this.

‘Now, let’s clean these wounds’ he said and he took out the first aid kit under the bed. He carefully and gently pressed the cotton soaked with alcohol on the wounds decorating Doyoung’s arms but he didn’t even flinch. It amazes Jaehyun actually. How strong this boy infront of him is. ‘Does it hurt?’ he asked worriedly only to find Doyoung shaking his head and putting on a straight face. Jaehyun knows this as a façade and underneath that mask, he knows how fragile and ironically how strong too the person behind that mask is. A combination that can be confusing but that is how Doyoung is. ‘It’s okay.If it does, tell me. You don’t have to pretend anymore. You can bare everything in front of me’ he assures and pressed a kiss on Doyoung’s cheek.

  
At his words, Doyoung realised that it is true. He doesn’t have to pretend and put up a front anymore, a self-deception he is so good at that he is able to dissociate from the pain. A thing he has mastered from all the experiences, the agonies the world has decided to put him in. Instantly, the pain shot through him and he finds himself flinching, arms throbbing and he is yelping in pain. Guess, he can still feel pain after all. He was sobbing and shaking and Jaehyun couldn’t stand seeing him like this but he couldn’t do anything but to be with him through the pain. He pulled Doyoung into his embrace and whispered soothing words. After a few minutes, he could feel him relax, breath steady. Jaehyun takes Doyoung’s arms and pressed kisses on his scars as if to tell them to heal faster and to show Doyoung that the next time he sees his scars, he would think of Jaehyun and not the detrimental things that pushed him to paint his arms with scars.

  
‘Come on now. You need some rest.’utters Jaehyun as he tucked Doyoung in bed. Jaehyun softly wiped his tears and caressed his face. Doyoung looks extremely tired and broken. But there’s a flicker of hope reflected by his beautiful brown orbs. Something Jaehyun hadn’t seen for a while. After making sure that the other was deep asleep, Jaehyun slowly walked towards the door but was stopped by a pair of cold hands. ‘Don’t go. Stay’ pleaded Doyoung and he couldn’t find any reason not to and he did, he stayed. Being the gentleman he was, he slept on the couch because he didn’t want to be inappropriate.

  
It was a peaceful night until he heard a faint sob which quickly turned into shouts. He quickly got up and ran towards the bed and pulled the blankets to found Doyoung with his hands covering his ears as if trying to block the voices in his head, face wet with fresh tears and he was sweating, shaking and crying and Jaehyun quickly and securely engulfed the shaking boy in his arms immediately.

  
‘Shhh Doyoung. Hey, I’m here. I’m here love’ he said as he felt the other place his face in the crook of his neck, arms tightly around him as if he was asking for some strength. His shirt was soaked with tears but it doesn’t matter. Doyoung was violently trembling and Jaehyun rubs his back to calm him down. ‘I’m scared Jaehyun. I am so scared. I am beyond terrified’ Jaehyun could hear the words directed at him with whimpers accompanying them. ‘I know and I’m here. I will always be. I know you know that but I want you to believe it. Believe in me,’Doyoung hugs him tighter and breathed a sigh of relief. Jaehyun always have this effect on him and oh God he is so so thankful that he is here with him.

  
‘I do, I believe in you. I-I just need to believe in myself more you know?’ He nodded and placed a kiss on Doyoung’s forehead and Doyoung’s heart swells so much he felt he was on cloud nine. A simple gesture but the most intimate one. Gathering all his almost non-existent strength, he pulled back slightly and cradled Jaehyun’s face in his hands, eyes searching for his beautiful brown orbs.

  
‘I love you’

  
‘I love you too my love’

  
Doyoung took his hand in his and placed them on his beating heart as he leaned in towards Jaehyun. Lips on lips, the harmonize touches, the blooming fire in their hearts, the adrenaline, the highs so euphoric and the beating of two hearts becoming one. Beautiful. They were the right combination of colours, not too fiery red, not too blue, not too bright and most definitely not too dark. They were the right palette, the right spectrum, they were the missing puzzle pieces of the other and as cliché as it may sound, they are the perfect two.

* * *

  
Doyoung took a look at Jaehyun who was sleeping soundly and for the second time that day, he could feel a small smile forming and he remembers how good it feels to be able to smile and feel a huge weight slowly lifting off his shoulders, the emotional baggage that he had been adamant on carrying all by himself, not able and not wanting to give even a small portion of it to Jaehyun to carry. Prayers after prayers, reassurances, promises, hope and faith. None of them really worked before but after today, it might just have. It’s a little upsetting that it took his heart this long to make it work.

  
He silently shook his head and berate himself mentally at how foolish he must have been. Mostly, Doyoung feels sorry for Jaehyun, for denying his help under the reason of not wanting to transfer the burden to him. But today, Doyoung realizes that Jaehyun was also trying to help the both of them. Not just him, but Kim Doyoung and Jung Jaehyun. He thought he must fight his battles alone but he has just come to realize that Jaehyun plays a big role in his life, a default major character in his topsy turvy life. Just like in a game, if Doyoung loses the battle, Jaehyun would too and the same goes if the roles were reversed. Jaehyun’s his knight in shining armour, his partner, his soulmate and his comrade.

  
To fight this battle, Doyoung needs to trust him and let him into his life up to the deepest parts of him without drowning him in his demons. Instead, he should reach out to Jaehyun and walk hand in hand. Together. No matter what. As the saying goes, when it rains, look for rainbows and when it is dark, look for stars. Jaehyun is both the rainbows and stars, a wonderful existence in Doyoung’s life, both in rain or shine.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with a oneshot for now this time! I'm having a major writer's block with the other fic but I have made a lot of progress and will update it very very soon! 
> 
> Comments and kudos ❤️ are very much welcomed and appreciated!


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